Senior year of college did not start off as nicely as I wanted it to. I fact I hated it at first. I came into senior year with a very unsettling feeling. I like the sense of control, and when I don't have it, I'm uncomfortable. I did not have control of how my year would be. Everyone says how amazing college is, and so far it's been pretty good. I came off of an amazing semester abroad that I will never forget, but how am I supposed to top that? But now what, what am I supposed to do when I graduate? Up until now, there has been a set path of life that I was supposed to take. Now I am at the unknown.
I was afraid that I was at the unknown, but I wasn't admitting it. Instead I was lashing out in different ways, in some very negative ways. I was depressed and anxious, after spending an entire week in my bed not wanting to do anything I finally realized i needed help. Before I had always thought therapy was for crazy people just because of the social stigma it had. I actually hid the fact that I was going to therapy from everyone. After going for a few weeks and talking things out about my life and silly things like a crush I had, I started to feel better. I started realizing, I can help myself, I had to do what makes me happy and stop being a people pleaser.
Everyone goes through ups and downs in life. Some downs are worse than others but you have to remember that no matter what, it will get better and the good will outshine the bad. I just plugged along through the rest of the semester putting on a happy face in hopes that I would in turn feel better about myself. I'm sure every young woman feels the same pressures I was feeling, at all different levels and at different times in life. I felt that because I wasn't getting attention from guys it must by my fault. Instead of realizing the guys just want an easy one night stand, I'm not that girl, my guy friends even have said I'm the girl you take home to mom and dad. I needed to get over that and get over the fact that college is not going to be where I find prince charming. That these lovely college boys will help me appreciate my future prince charming even more. I was also really insecure in my own skin. I thought I wasn't attractive and didn't have a lot going for me. Which is an insane thought, everyone in their down times of life finds the bad in everything.
I'm so glad that that is all straightened out now, instead of throwing a pitty party for myself, I changed. No one is ever 100% comfortable in their own skin, even if they act like they are. Instead of being stuck in a rut and unhappy with things do something to help yourself. I was so worried about looking like the girls in magazines and thought because I didn't look like that I wasn't good enough for anyone. Turns out no one looks like those girls in the magazines, not even those girls.
I was unhappy with me, not what others though of me. Once I began being happier and more positive about myself, so did everyone else. I needed to help myself, and for most people that's the hardest part, I know it was for me. I wasn't happy with the way my bodily looked or the way I felt. I hit a wall and realized something needed to change. Unfortunately, things can't change over night and all good things take hard work but are so worth it in the end.
Physically I'm five and a half feet tall which is average, and I weighed about 136 pounds. Which again is a totally average weight for someone my height. Simply because of the way I'm built, I have long long legs, a short curvy torso and big boobs. At that point I wouldn't be caught dead in a tight shirt or bikini. Don't even get me started about how much I didn't want guys to see my belly or touch it. I understand everyone is built differently, fat distributes differently on everyone and it's not the number on the scale that matters. What really matters is how you feel and how you think you look in the mirror.
I had a goal that I wanted to be comfortable in a bikini and have a flat stomach by the time I graduated. I have seven weeks to graduation and now weigh about 126 pounds. So ten pounds later I feel great! But I know the final few pounds will be the hardest to shake off. But I have small little goals to help me along the way. I reached a major mental milestone when I needed to buy new bras because my boobs shrunk and were no longer the triple d's they used to be. That for me was huge because it was actual solid proof in my daily life that I lost some weight.
There are a few things that have helped me out a lot on my journey. My Fitbit Flex has been a major part of it. By being able to se my height weight and the fact I wanted to lose weight, it has helped me be aware of my daily life and loose about a pound a week. I love that I can check the app on my phone and see I've walked over five miles in a day it makes me smile to myself. By putting in the good I'm eating, I am more aware of what I am putting into my body. Tracking what I'm eating has forced me to eat better, I didn't want to look at my food log and see I've eaten crap all day. It also made me stop snacking when I'm bored, that right there cut out a ton of calories. It also tracks the number of calories I've burned in a day, even though I don't workout everyday I do try and hit my calories burned goal.
On days I workout it's pretty easy. On a longer workout day I'll spend about two hours at the gym jumping around the elliptical, stepper, bike and weights. On shorter days at the gym I'll just elliptical than do an exercises for ten minutes. On the shorter days at the gym and the days I don't workout, I do my best to walk everywhere I go on campus and take the stairs. It's amazing how much walking and taking the stairs can add up to! Tabata has also been a saving grace for me. A quick calorie blaster that I can do almost anywhere and make it last as long as I want, best way to burn calories by far. Don't forget to have a ton of water each day, it will help with hunger.
The thing that really pushed me to keep going? Well you can't help but feel good about yourself when friends and family are talking you that you look great. It will slap a smile on your face and make you want to keep it up. By no means am I suggesting that anyone starve or go crazy with working out. I just want everyone out there to feel as good about themselves as possible. Indulge on the weekends, take days off do whatever makes you happy. Right now for me, this is helping make me happy.
Overall am I trying to look like the stick thin girls in advertisements? No way, I want to look healthy and I wouldn't want a guy to look at me and think it would be easy to break me in half like those stick thin girls. Am I looking to have the oh so popular thigh gap? Not really, one would be nice to have but sometimes they look freaky on people. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.
Keep up with my fitness journey the last few weeks!
until next time... J
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